i am a selfish bitch!


okay i admit it! ayokong i-share yung pera ko! i already gave 5000 to him, gave another 2000 for groceries, and another 2000 to pay to dwin! do i fucking get money from him when he has money? fucking no! his money is for HIM, and my money is still supposed to be for HIM! aargh!!!


i want my own place!

ayoko na dito sa bahay na'to! i'm always on my guard. i have no free space of my own. i have to contend with freaky gossipy hypocrites. everybody talks in a fucking loud voice! di ko madisiplina ng maayos si darice. nagiging iyakin na siya kasi walang ginawa mga tao dito kundi asarin siya. nakikialam sila sa mga dapat di pakialamanan, pero N.R. naman sila sa mga importanteng bagay! walang stability... bigla na lang mapuputulan ng ilaw, walang ulam, walang kape, lahat inuutang na lang... ayoko, ayoko, ayoko na dito!!!

worst thing is, i can't even show my true feelings around here... i always have to be my agreeable and temper-free self! kaya nagkaka-bouts of rage ako eh... di ko kasi nailalabas sa tamang oras. aargh! nagiging katulad na nila ako!


i am a big fat whale!

gusto ko na talagang pumayat! wala ng nagkasyang pantalon sakin. everything DOESN'T fit me anymore!


i wanna go out and smoke a pack of yosi!

... and drink lots of beer! and just get stinking drunk!

if i can just be MYSELF for one stinking day... and not be a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister-in-law, a daughter-in-law... yun bang wala akong iniisip... just sipping coffee [or tungga-ing some beer] and having no preoccupations at all. gusto kong mapag-isa!


as a result of all these rantings...

...i'm taking it out on dar. gawd, i'm so freaking messed up. siya lang kasi ang lahat-lahat ko ngayon eh. i don't get to see my friends anymore... one bailed out on us, two went off to places far and unknown, and one is a working girl. my family's not with me. he's the only one i've got, pero it's as if he doesn't have a freaking idea na i need him so much!.

pero, the insanest thing is, ayoko nitong feeling na kailangan ko siya eh. he's always disappointed me. kaya ayoko na talagang gustuhin siya. my passion is wasted on him.


somebody save me!

please. i am so fucking messed up. it's like my brain is making up so many messed up thoughts... and sometimes, i don't have a fucking idea what the hell is going on! my paranoia is eating me alive... gawd, just make it eat my fats!

it's been two years of...

ranting i had this awful awful dream... sobrang pangit na when i woke up, umiyak talaga ako and humagulgol!

anyways, it was about dar and his un-love for me. all i could remember clearly is that i was hitting him and slapping him pero NR lang siya. and i was getting physical because i found out na ayaw na niya sa'kin! pero he didn't tell me, kasi from my dream parang meron siyang ginawa to make me see na ayaw na niya sa'kin. tapos right in front of me, he called up bitch that bitch from two years ago!> and makikipagkita siya sa kanya! grabe, hindi kinaya ng powers ko... i kept hitting him and slapping him more, tapos minura ko siya: as in 'tangina mo!'. funny thing is, andun yung mom niya. and i clearly remember, nag-sorry pa ako sa mom niya, sabi ko, 'sorry po, hindi po kayo...'! sinabihan ko na lang si dar ng 'gago ka!'

the striking part about this dream is that he didn't care... he didn't care at all na i was getting hysterical. that was the most realistic part of the dream. hanggang sa subconscious ko, he will never care...

ranting ulit i just absolutely ABHOR aling letty. god, does she have to tell dar's mom about my 'soiled' panties that i wasn't able to wash? isa lang yon, that one time na hindi ko nalabhan kasi nasa fontana kami. i've always washed my panties before putting them in the laundry naman eh! aargh... ba't kelangan akong pahiyain?!? pag alam na ng nanay ni dar, alam na ng buong bayan... waaah!!!!!!!!!

absolutely raving i got my share of the prize money! woohoo... P16,666.66 to be exact! and last friday, nag-shop-til-i-drop ako sa 3-day sale ng sta.lucia and robinson's. ooohh... i am sooooooo satisfied with my bargain buys! i got a dress from gozum , nice pants from human <300-freakin-bucks only>, several naughty undies , a shirt and briefs for dar, and clothes for darice. i spent 2000 bucks lang ata for all of those things... ang saya mag-bargain hunting!

er, ranting uli well, i don't wanna be selfish, pero dar was asking for his share kasi eh! bakit? kelangan ko ba talaga siyang bigyan? ngayon lang kasi nagkaroon AKO ng pera, as in MINE, as in hindi galing sa kanya, hindi galing sa mom ko. i just wanted to spend it as i wish sana. kaso, he was making hirits the whole time about his share, so i gave him 5000 bucks. imbyerna.

oh well, at least that 5000 was spent on groceries nung nasa fontana kami. well, not all. i still shelled out 1000 bucks. tapos his mom borrowed 2500 from him. and he lent maki rin ata. tapos yung pinangkain din namin galing din don. sige na nga, okay lang sakin. at least, no questions diba, nagbigay ako?

ravin' uli i got 2000 bucks pa pala! it was so damn easy... sabi ba naman ni dar na wala daw animal na ass?!?! eh di pinagpustahan namin... hehehe 2000 pesos and i didn't have to do anything!

rambling naman okay, so we spent the weekend sa fontana kasi birthday ni don yesterday. kaasar nga mejo kasi sabi ni daddy dapat by 11:30 andun na kami sa fontana, and since dala naman yung ibang food, on-time talaga kami. kaso 11:30 asa camiling pa sila. imbey. so nag-grocery muna kami sa pure gold and px club.

and guess what kung anong hinakot ni dar?!? sangkatutak na pringles!!! the stuff i got na gusto ko is yung hershey's sweet escape and my cadbury dairy milk and my super chunky corned beef and the buy-one-take-one-for-only-a-dollar torengos. aargh, no hope na talaga akong magpapayat!

gusto kong mag-gym sana sa celebrity eh kaso katamad naman mag-commute don kasi asa pa akong magpahatid sa driver ko diba? kung jogging naman sa u.p. siguro after summer classes na. hassle kasi kung ang aga-aga ko sa school, tapos san ako mag-sha-shower, sa eee? nyek! tapos maghihintay pa ako hanggang 11? well, puede din, at least i can ogle sir hizon debah? hehehe...

neways, since mejo desperate nako, nagpabili ako kay mommy nung reliv product niya na milk shake na parang slim fast. i need to lose at least 10 pounds, and at the most siguro 20 pounds lang...

warning: pseudo-hubby bashing ang kuwento ko for the day. again. for the umpteenth time!

okay, he asks permission to go out and have a late dinner in some place with some guys sa blue tag. kasi daw pang-6th month na daw nung anak nung isang guy don, and naghanda daw sa house nila.

ranting factor #1: medyo last minute lang naman ang pagpapaalam niya. when i ask permission from him, and the thing i'm asking permission for is in five minutes, maaasar siya. bakit ngayon mo lang sinasabi? screw you, ba't ngayon ka lang rin nagpapaalam?

ranting factor #2: watdafuck is he doing asking for permission?!? doesn't he know na it makes me psycho when he goes out and he leaves me here sa house nila? do i always have to tell him what to do? god, it would be so nice to hear from him, alam mo, ini-invite ako nina *whoever* na mag-*whatever*. pero sabi ko uwi na lang ako sa inyo ni darice. when the fuck will that happen?!?!

ranting factor #3: he went back home, and he was trying to make lambing! okay, that didn't sound so bad... kaso he was doing it just because i let him go out. i would't get that much attention and lambing under normal circumstances. and tonight he was like, hilutin ko ulo mo?, and *staring* at me... geez, how pathetic can you get?!

ranting factor #4: i feel like a goddamn recluse! i have no friends to go out with, i have no social life whatever, and i'm confined to this house na dalawang tao lang talaga yung kinakausap ko! and i really really feel like i'm reduced to a full-time nanny. it's like alagaan mo anak natin ha while i go out and have some fun, and when it's my turn to go out it's like sinong mag-aalaga sa anak natin? not explicitly expressed, of course. but it's there, and i feel it -- the weight of guilt on my shoulders.

sabi pa niya kanina, since nag-inarte nako due to the above ranting factors, bakit mo ba ako pinapahirapan pag umaalis ako... god, how dense can he be? ilang beses na 'tong napag-usapan, ilang away na ang nangyari, and he still doesn't get it!

time to change colors hehehe. of course, using my uberfavorite, purple!

okay, on to making kuwento. today is mother's day, and to celebrate, andito ako ngayon sa bahay ko.

hmm... note the way i referred to this house: bahay ko. er, bahay ko pa rin ba 'to? bahay ko ba yung bahay nina dar [note again the way i referred to his house]? san ba ang bahay ko?

oh well, later na lang muna ulit. darice is running around again, and since i'm this paranoid freak and i'm scared to hell she'll fall sa stairs, toodles na lang muna.

rant -- i don't know why, but i think my mother-in-law-to-be derives pleasure in calling me a big fat whale. okay, okay, i'm exaggerating. ang sinabi niya, lumalaki na daw braso ko. tapos sabay offer sakin ng pagkain. "kumain ka na ba?" grrr.

rave -- ooh, i'm doing captions for darice's scrapbook. happy happy happy!

ramble -- okay, konting kuwento muna. last friday, nagkita kami ni at sa starbucks. well, dapat sa starbucks, pero when i called him up sa phone niya [wala kasi siyang load], andun pa lang siya sa vinzon's. guess what kung nasan naman ako -- papunta ring vinzon's, sa harap ng econ para sumakay ng katips na jeep. so sabay na kaming pumuntang starbucks.

kakahiya nga eh. feeling ko nag-ramble on ako about dar and his infidelities and all my bitchiness about it. lahat yata ng mga panumbat kong hirit eh nakuwento ko kay at. *blush* so embarassing talaga!

ewan ko ba kung bakit kasi i can't get over it! like carrie said in sex in the city [i dunno what episode]: "we're so over, we need a new word for over". and that's just basically it! that thing that i've been obsessing about is sooooooooo over, and i'm still bitchin' and moanin' about it.

ayoko na. ayoko na na everytime magkikita-kita kami ng friends ko eh yun na lang palagi ang kuwento ko. sawang-sawa nako sa drama ko sa buhay, as in! kaso summer na naman, and the way things are going, parang history is repeating itself eh. pupunta na naman kaming fontana sa birthday ni don. it all started 2 years ago in fontana during don's birthday *bites nails* and i didn't have a clue then that things were heating up between him and that slutty bitch [another indication that i am not yet over this]!

okay, okay, paranoid mode is kicking in! oooh...i wish i could smoke just one yosi! miss ko na ang yosi ko *waah*

i've been wanting to do an online journal for months now, and since i have so much time on my hands, i might as well do it right?

so here it is, and i hope i don't get too lazy to update...